So the other day on the way to school (daycare) and my work (college) I decide that I need coffee. Our usual stop is at Starbucks, my former place of part-time employment, and my one time obsession. They are great at marketing. Anyway, I decide that I am wearing a pink shirt and brown pants and the Dunkin Donuts cup will match my outfit better (seriously, that is how I decided to go there that morning) and I also know that they have a "combo" that is a coffee and two, not one but two donuts, so I can share with my little 2 year old co-pilot.
So we pull into the DD and drive up through the drive thru and I order the combo.
I give the woman my money and she gives me the caffeine and sugar and Sarah sees the bag and immediately starts to whine.
Mommee! I want the donut! Gimmee the donut!
I get out of the drive thru and pluck the donut out of the bad using that handy tissue paper stuff they grab the donuts out of the case with. I hand her the donut with the tissue paper and as I do this my arm reaches as far back as it can go around my seat and I do my best to look at her, look at the road, and drive my five speed manual transmission Jetta to school without crashing and spewing bits of car parts, glass and such, all over the road.
Here ya go Baby...now tell me, am I not the coolest Mommy ever? Huh? A donut before school? Not every kids gets that! I'm a cool Mommy!
And I really catch myself believing this. I am the coolest mommy on the freaking planet right now because I just gave my kid a sugary oily fatty donut and she's not even three. And it's not even eight AM.
She does not say yes or tell me anything that might make my head swell further. All I get is: Mommy! I got a donut!
Five miles later Sarah has polished off the thing and I know this because she shouts Mommy I want anuder one!
I look in the rearview mirror and she's got sugary donut residue all over her face and hands. Little bits of white stuff sticking to her face. She's checking out her fingers by pinching them together and then noticing that they don't pull apart so easy. They're sticky.
I test my Gumby skill a second time when I reach around to give her a wipe, or wipy as we call them.
Wipe your face and hands Baby, get the sticky stuff off.
I notice that she's still holding the crumpled up donut wrapper and I tell her to hand that to me so she can better use the wipe and clean herself up. I think I'm doing her a favor.
I reach around behind me again, trying to move my hand within reach of her hands.
Hand me the wrapper Sarah. I look at her in the rear view mirror to see whether or not my hand is close enough. Now, at this point, the coolest mommy in the world has only one hand on the wheel, and zero eyes on the road. Not too cool, but hey, I'm trying to minimize the mess and do the kid a favor.
She looks at me, looks at my hand, which is actually quite close, and then gives me the you'd better say it look. Mommy, say leeze! Say leeze Mommy.
The kid knows her manners because I have taught them to her. Now however, is not the time to test Mommy.
Sarah, Please give me the wrapper.
Mommy, say leeze. Her eyes look up slightly and then glare right back at me in that, boy you'd better say it or else I'm gonna take you back to where you came from look.
Sarah I have to have this hand to drive! I give up and pull my arm back around enough to shift the gear and straighten the wheel.
Sarah. Give Mommy the wrapper please. Back around goes my arm.
She gives me the wrapper. She wipes her face and hands and throws the wipy down on the floorboard of the car.
The world resumes its madness, we keep driving, more safely even, and even though she's taken several swipes at her face with a wipe there's still a huge white donut sugar crumb right up underneath her left eye.
When we get to school we are nineteen minutes past the time when they stop serving breakfast but that doesn't matter because my kid has already had breakfast.
Wasn't that donut good Baby? I get her out of the car and snatch that crumb off her face so they won't think I'm a total failure of a mother.
I'm a cool mommy right?
Yeah, you cool Mommy!
There you have it. I'm cool and I have good manners.