I know I haven't written in a while, but I've kind of been in a type of conserve-energy-and-just-keep-swimming auto pilot for most of the last year. Sure, there have been bursts of energy here and there. I started a coalition to help parolees. I tried to write 50,000 words in a month. I started exercising regularly (again). I even found enough fortitude to make it through the holidays. And mostly, I've written in that doggoned "Happiness Project" journal almost every day. Even when all I can say is that I worked a twelve hour shift, I tried to write it down. Not everything is happy. Even when you stare at the glass for an hour trying to decide whether or not it's actually half full or half empty. I'm just glad I have a glass to fill.
Sometimes life does indeed beat us up, drag us along, tear us down, and scramble our brains like a southern fried egg on a scorching pavement. Is there any use in trying to find the "happy" during your life's rough and tumble days?
I would argue that there is, even if you can't do it everyday. Sometimes when the going is so tough it makes your head spin is when you have to stop, stop, stop and find something to laugh about. Perhaps my 6 years in an ER and my ultra weirdo dark snappy sense of humor affords me a certain talent in finding the humor even in the craziest situations, but laughter HELPS. Laughter seems to hoist up just the right amount of emotional wall in tough times that really does help you schelp on through to another day. Start looking at your life in a 360 degree sorta way. Some of the shit you do is funny, trust me. Lots of the shit other people do is often ridiculously funny. Sometimes their shit is so funny that your shit is small in comparison. And that my friends, means your life ain't so bad.
Just as important as laughter is the lesson. What is the lesson? There are situations in your life that sometimes literally only last a few real moments...others last for days, weeks, months, even years...until they are -POOF- just not there anymore. Sound silly? But that poof moment is the one where you're like oh wow, or holy crap, or I'll be damned...and then suddenly you figure something out, some life changing well-now-I-know kind of thing. So one day when your friend, or sibling, or grown up kid decides he or she is gonna try that which you've already POOFED your way through, you can say with one hundred thousand percent certainty...oh no, oh hell no you're not and let me tell you why! Every hard thing in life has a lesson for you. If you think about it, you know it's true. So what are the difficulties in your life trying to tell you? What is it that you still need to work on to get better to be happier?
Still, we get stuck. At least I know I do. Some days I ask myself, "Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?" "Is this all I have to offer?" "Is there some other greener pasture I could have more fun in?" Or lately, my favorite..."did I do the right things educationally? Should I have just majored in Journalism & Creative Writing like I wanted to when I first went to college?" "Would I be happier now if I had?"
Argh! I've been driving myself crazy with this stuff. There is one thing I do know for sure though. There were lessons I learned along the specific path I took. I don't believe those lessons were lost on me and I believe they were important for me. Therefore I'm okay for having taken the path I did. What I've done, especially my mistakes, is truly okay.
I'm still here.
Big question is what to do next. Something, anything, or nothing? When is the right time to shake things up and let the particles fly around and then settle back down again? I know I've been holding on too tightly to safety and security and walking the worn path lately, but it does feel like the winds of change might soon be blowing my way.