Who needs a resolution?

Getting ready to ring in the new year. Can't believe this one went by so fast. Lots of changes again this year, but I have to say, the end was better than the beginning. Even if I'm living in a cold, leafy house in the woods. Only a few more months!
I didn't get very far with my resolutions last year, so rather than lay out a matter-of-fact resolution tonight, I'd like to simply say that I want to make progress this year. Progress at work, at home, with my marriage, in raising my child, in becoming more spiritual, and with friends. Right now, I'm going to make some progress with this Canadian Club & gingerale...see ya tomorrow!

Um, is that thing real?

Nevermind whether or not Santa himself is real, Sarah seemed more interested in whether his beard was real. This pic was too cute not to post. A co-worker of mine in the ER told me about this event at her father's store - Santa and 4 of his real live reindeer came to see all the little boys and girls in Homer, GA today so we decided that we would brave the cold and threat of rain to go out and see Santa. I haven't taken Sarah to see Santa yet. Not in all her 5 years! Mostly because she didn't seem to want to. Today I think she was excited but she never said one single word to Santa, despite his persistent questions! She didn't think twice about copping a feel of his beard though. Too funny. No charge for the pictures either. And I got one of those cool huge pickles that you can only find at old country stores like David & Katie's Amish Store!

Family.

Today was a frustrating day - as a matter of fact, I probably shouldn't even be writing this blog right now, but as of late I've felt guilty for not writing more. I went to Florida to visit my mother's side of the family. This usually screws me up for weeks. That sounds weird I know. It seems like I'd come back feeling better for having been down there to see everyone, and in many ways I am very glad I went, but old habits and feelings die hard I suppose. When I was a kid I looked forward to going down there. It gave me a break from the hum-drum routine of my childhood in the Georgia country, and provided me an opportunity to see my mother, which I coveted immensely. I used to believe that if my mother would just come back to Georgia and live near me that all my problems would be solved. I never wanted my parents to "get back together" because I couldn't even remember what that was like to begin with, but I did want my mother to be in my life more. But that wasn't the plan for my life I guess. So about once a year, and sometimes less often, I'd go down to Jacksonville for a week and try to pack all I could into those visits. I love my family in Florida. I really do. And that's the very reason it hurts to see them still. Because I wish that I could have loved them more all along. I wish I could have spent real time with them. I wish my mother could have been a mother to me for all those years. But she simply couldn't. I forgive her for that but still cannot shake the dull ache that surfaces when I drive down, but most especially when I drive back.
I've noticed something. In the hustle of everyday life, of trying to make ends meet, of trying to raise my child - I sometimes forget the power that comes with adulthood. I'm free to go down anytime I want. I am free to write cards, send emails, have relationships now that I couldn't have before when I was only 6 hours yet an eternity away. I was young and I didn't understand. My father wasn't crazy about me getting attached to my mother, and all that came with her. He had his reasons. In some sense, time healed this wound. My mother will never be the one I wanted when I was small, but everyone else is still right where they always were - and even my mother is harmless now. I want my daughter to know them better than I ever did. Our family is our family. It's no accident the way our lives unfold...things happen they way they should when they are supposed to happen. You're a grown up when you can see that for what it is without throwing a tantrum. I love these guys too.

Grandma Sayings.

There is a torrential downpour in my part of the country right now. My home phone service isn't even working! Tropical Storm Ida is drenching the Gulf Coast and the Southeast part of the US. That's fine with me. I remember Georgia's drought back in the summer of 2007 that was just awful! A little extra rain is alright.
Today when I left the hospital, where I been all day while receiving an intravenous iron infusion, I spotted a middle-aged woman in running shorts and a tank top out running in the rain. The first thought that went through my head was, "Huh. Even a dog's got sense enough to get out of the rain." Now, you must understand, this was not my original thought! My grandmother was essentially my role model, since my mother wasn't around. And, by default, my grandmother was old. Old folks tend to have built up a store of useful, and usually correct, information and they very often want to share it. My grandmother said so many things to me over the course of my life, but she had some sayings that she went back to over and over - simple illustrations of her understanding of the world. Since I've been working in the ER, I haven't met an old person yet who wouldn't tell a story right off the cuff - that is, if they were in their "right" mind you know. So, I've decided that since I only know what my grandmother's sayings were, I'd like to know all of yours. Leave comments here or send an email to grandmasayings@yahoo.com!

Why high school?

You all know about my sleep issues...but perhaps not about my dream issues. You see, I have this recurring dream/nightmare that I am back at my high school because I haven't finished something. I graduated 16 years ago! Why in the world do I keep thinking that I need to go back to MCHS to finish something left hanging so long ago? It is so strange. I see my teachers in the hallway, I feel myself walking into the front office because someone is calling me in to tell me what I'm missing. They might revoke my diploma which could somehow undermine my bachelors and masters degrees! It's just the strangest dream. Once I thought I'd finished it. I had a dream a couple of years ago that I met with a panel of teachers and they signed off on my last assignment. I remember one of them saying, okay that's it, you're all done! When I woke I felt instant relief. But now, a couple of years later, the dreams about not finishing high school have started anew. Does anyone out there have any idea what this is all about? Sometimes it's a math problem I need to solve, an english paper I still need to write, or some kind of standardized test I still need to take. I just can't figure out what this dream sequence means for my subconscious. I've actually taken my diploma out of the drawer of my nightstand to look at it and verify that I finished high school! Hmm...let me go find that thing right now and I'll just sleep with it curled in my arm. Maybe that'll help.

I'm awake.

My sleep is all screwed up, much to the chagrin of my family...but the work I do is paying the bills right now so they can't complain too much. Had an interesting visit with my doctor on Monday. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and shift work sleep disorder, and given some medication to take that might help. We'll see how it goes. No doubt I've had chronic pain since about age 20 that started in my shoulders and became widespread in my late twenties. The problem with fibromyalgia is that many people don't buy it as a real medical condition, even though it now is recognized as such. The FDA has approved medicine used to treat it and it is a actual diagnosis. The first time a physician suggested to me that I might have fibromyalgia was in the summer of 2003. I did not want to even think about it then, so I just brushed it aside. Over a year ago, my current doctor told me he thought that's what I had, but again, I didn't want to listen. Finally I reached such a point of achy despair that I went to see him about it. Hopefully the medications will work. Maybe they'll make me more creative and I can write that bestseller I've been thinking about!

Book Review: Miles from Nowhere by Nami Mun

Published in 2009, this debut novel has won some awards and is a bestseller. It's about a girl who runs away from home, in NY no less, and tries to make it own her own. Drug addicted and always broke, she meets a whirlwind of characters along the way: some who help and some who hurt.

I read this book in about 24 hours. Now, after saying that, when I finished the book, I was left with a clammy taste in my mouth. It was good, but the story just didn't seem complete. I'm not sure where the "glimmer of hope" was that they mentioned on the back cover. Written by a Korean girl who grew up in the Bronx, and about a Korean girl who grew up in the Bronx, there were several points that had me thinking that it was some sort of James Frey type memoir where parts of it were true and parts were not. It was written in first person with sparse writing, which I actually like, but very disjointed as a whole book put together. Still, it had me wanting to know more enough so that I kept picking it up on my day off until I finished it. In the end, I don't think I know any more about this flawed character called Joon except that she's several years older and still quite confused.

Check it out at the library for a rainy day like today, but don't purchase your very own copy. That's my take.