I think I've listened to Miley Cyrus' new song Wrecking Ball about fifty times. No seriously. It's playing as I type this. Other than what the radio station plays of hers, I've never been a fan. But this song speaks to me in a way that no song has in a long time. Yes there are several songs that remind me of times in my life, make me think of a person or a space in time or a moment that was missed or even fully lived.
But this song has taken me to a point of tears. Big ones streaming down my face.
This song reminds me of fear. Yes, fear. That very deep doubt that permeates every single thing in our lives, causing infinite doubt that we'll never be enough, that we're not right, that we're guilty, that we can't rise above or even stand tall enough to see through the window.
I have lived with that fear for the sum total of my life. Abandonment and endless critique bestowed upon me this nearly insurmountable gift. Death, tragedy, and sadness have released me from it.
There are places we come to in life that literally force us to stop and evaluate, regardless of how much we'd love to avoid it, or deny, deny, deny that there's a problem. The other thing about that soul eating fear is that the very essence of it says we cannot stop to question ourselves or our actions because that makes us even more vulnerable - our bellies are already too soft to even allow a hand on them to soothe us. The sudden pierce of realization that even though we've tried so hard, have given our every effort to be simply the best, perfect at all and everything, that by god yes we are human and we have screwed up massive amounts of tiny moments in our lives. That we've made bad decisions. That we've cheated and lied and hurt others by our own actions, no matter how deeply we regret those things now.
The healing comes when you drag yourself up far enough to feel the sunlight on your face. That sun and it's warmth tells you that you're still here on Earth. That you're human and very, very imperfect, and that any other human who ever expected you to be perfect was imperfect as well. If anyone made you feel that way, then there's a moment they screwed up too. And hurt you in the process.
But look at you. Look at me. You survived and so did I.
Fear will drag you into a dark place so desperate that you will simply find yourself waiting for your godforsaken life to be over. You'll get to the end sooner and you'll regret not taking chances more, not being who you really were supposed to be in this life, and not being your true, genuine, authentic self.
Do not let fear stand in your way. And never cover it with substances that alter your consciousness.
You are lovable. You can love. You can be a good mother, a good father, a good friend, sister, brother, cousin, lover, wife, husband and every other possible thing you can think of or try to do. Your limits are set only by you.
Break down your own walls. Don't let anyone wreck you or your life.
There is always time to change direction. There is always time to give yourself another chance at love, happiness, enough money, a satisfying career, or the elusive book you want to write.
There is always time to give yourself another chance at the life you want for yourself, whatever that may be.
Don't make the mistake of waiting for someone else to come along and give you the chance. No one can do that for you. You must believe in yourself enough to let go of the fear and take your life's bull by the horns. Pull yourself up by your own efforts and your own faith in yourself.
I thank all that is good in this universe for finally allowing me to think this way, to realize that my life, as crazy and imperfect as it has been...despite all my failures and disappointments...has been right on track from the beginning. I am good enough just the way I am, because of who I am and all that I know to be.
Guess what? So. Are. You.