Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Cancer sucks.

Alas!  I am a terrible blogger lately.  Believe me, it isn't for lack of things to say - it is mostly for lack of time to write, because of me putting other things and people first, and for general happiness all around.

The move back to our house generated quite a few other changes as well.  We have a new roommate - Jennifer - who came with her two feline children Omar and Poncho.  All in all, it's been a pretty smooth adjustment that has meant more love and friendship in my life.

In a few days it will be October - the leaves will start falling and everyone will start wearing pink again.  October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and it always makes me sad.  Usually at some point I come to tears.  You see, I lost someone very special nearly 6 years ago now - my sweet Aunt Sharon.

She was first diagnosed at age 31 I believe, in 1989, and went through lots of chemo, radiation, and a full mastectomy.  Awful for her for sure, and awful for my 14 year old brain too.  Fifteen  years after her first diagnosis, her cancer comes back as osteosarcoma (probably a result of all that radiation) and turns deadly.  We tried to save her - including two trips to Houston's MD Anderson hospital, but she couldn't withstand the chemo regimen they needed her to go through and she stopped after only 2 or 3 treatments.

When she died my grief was immeasurable.  I plowed my face into my pillow and screamed - beating the bed with clinched fists in my heart's utter torment.  It was just awful - she was only 48 years old.  She had grandchildren she wanted to play with, and she had children who still needed her even though they were grown.  I still needed her; we all did.

I finally got up the nerve to go back to her house this past Sunday - to visit my cousin there where she now lives, to be in that space again where I always remember my Aunt Sharon living.  Her touches are still there, very viable - still very present.   But I did not feel her spirit there anymore and I can only hope that means that she is at peace with her passing, that she is carefully watching over us from beyond what we can know about yet.

Several days before I dreamed of her - she and I and my cousins sitting in that very living room.  Perhaps she is the one who visited me in my dream and suggested that I go ahead and go.  She must know that I have grieved a million times for her, have cried oh so many tears because of the injustice of it all, have wanted to ask her a thousand questions, and have wanted to show her my child.

So I went, and I didn't even cry.  I took Jennifer with me - and she was up to the task of being just the ears I needed to hear my thoughts that day.  And I hope, through all of the space and time, that there was another soul out there hearing about how much I still love and miss her.  This one's for you Aunt Sharon!

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