I've been dreaming a lot of my grandmother lately, most every night. She has some sort of role in all my dreams, although now I cannot remember each of them. Just her face looking at me, her eyes interacting with me, her hands in mine. What troubles me is that I don't know what she wants. Or is it what I want? I said to my husband that'd I'd been dreaming of her a lot. He had a ready explanation. Well of course you do honey, you miss her. I hope it is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong here. I believe in God. I believe in that happy place we are supposed to go if we live a good life and do right by others. And if anyone I have ever known deserved to be in a place such as Heaven, it was my grandmother.
But what worries me is this. What if she's stuck somewhere? Somewhere in between? What if she needs to tell me something? Or is it just that I want to tell her something? Are the dreams my mind's way of playing tricks on me, or some force larger than both of us attempting to soothe the soul's desire for another chance to meet again?
I wonder if this is the only life we live.
I wonder if I knew her before. If I'll know her again, as someone else. Will she come back around while I am here, or will I die and we both linger in some way off place in the distance? Or do we just die and that's it?
I have had several relatives die since I have been alive. People I loved. And I wasn't there for any of their deaths. Not one. I was either just before or just after or completely far away hurting all the same.
A couple of weeks ago though, I was there with this little old lady in the emergency room. Her son tried to get there in time but he couldn't make it. She was alone except for all of us hospital staff standing around. Normally my role is to comfort the family, deal with crowd control, help to process paperwork, call the funeral home. All that stuff most people don't want to think about.
But this day my job was to put my hand on an old lady's shoulder, tell her it was okay to die, that we were with her and that she'd be alright. It was sad. Very sad.
I don't want to be alone when I die. I have figured that much out. Not that I'm thinking of dying.
Several days later I wondered - is what I told her true? Was it going to be alright? This is where some of you might say faith comes in. Maybe that is what I lack, I'm not sure.
Then the dreams of my grandmother started again.
I've decided that I'm going to take a different approach to this curiosity that plagues me. I'm going to hire a psychic. I've got to know if my grandmother is okay. If when she died, and all the others I love died, if it really was alright. Did they see the bright light and God's angels coming to get them? Or is there just nothingness?
When all the people that I loved died, one by one, I squeezed my eyes shut, clenched my teeth and tried my best to shove off the feelings of sadness, anger, and regret. But now I want to know.
Maybe I'll never get any answers. Maybe I'll pray to the dark silence in my house tonight. Maybe I'll lose money and talk to a psychic. Maybe I'll get some answers, maybe I won't.
But something's gotta give. Even night owl's need their zzzzz's.